They should have grandchildren in their laps every day, or a warm human hand to hold, not Pomeranians who come once a week. And yet, we put a dog in their laps instead of giving them human touch, because we remain a culture that holds human contact highly suspect. But at the root of all these flawed rationalizations is the fact that most American men are never taught to do gentle non-sexual touch. We are not typically taught that we can touch and be touched as a platonic expression of joyful human contact.
Meanwhile, this inability to comfortably connect via touch has left men emotionally isolated, contributing to rampant rates of alcoholism, depression, and abuse. And what if the lack of platonic touch is causing some men to be far too aggressive toward women, who, as the exclusive gatekeepers for gentle touch are carrying a burden they could never hope to fully manage?
Women, who are arguably both victims of and, in partnership with men, enforcers of the prohibition against platonic touch in American culture? The impact of our collective touch phobia is felt across our society by every single man, woman, and child. I would suggest that the limitations placed on men extend to their physical expression through touch.
And are just as damaging in that realm. There are many reasons why full-time stay at home dads are proving to be such a transformative force in American culture.
One powerful reason is the awakening of touch. As full-time dads, we are presented with the absolute necessity to hold our own wonderful children. We are learning about touch in the most powerful and life-affirming way. In ways that previous generations of men simply were not immersed in. Once you have held your sleeping child night after night or walked for years with their hand in yours, you are a changed person.
You gain fluency and confidence in touch that you will never lose. It is a gift to us men from our children that literally has the capacity to transform American culture. Accordingly, now, when I am with a friend I do reach out. I do make contact. And I do so with confidence and joy. And I have my own clear path forward. The patterns in my life may be somewhat set but I intend to do everything I can to remain in contact with my son in hopes that he will have a different view of touch in his life.
I hug him and kiss him. We hold hands or I put my arm around him when we watch TV or walk on the street. I will not back off from him because someone somewhere might take issue with our physical connection. I will not back off because somehow there is an unspoken rule that I must cut him loose in the world to fend for himself. I hope we can hold hands even when he is a man.
I hope we continue to hold hands until the day I die. Ultimately, we will unlearn our fear of touch in the context of our personal lives and in our day-to-day interactions. Learning how to express platonic love and affection through touch is a vast and remarkable change that has to be lived. But it is so important that we do it. Because it is central to having a rich and full life. As much as I wanted to love this article, it came of whiny to me.
Men created this problem. As a female, I learned very early that you cannot touch boys, and that lesson has been reinforced through every phase of my life. You cannot just touch a man because they pretty much universally think it means you want to sleep with them.
This article seems to paint men as some sort of victims of our culture, but I think the real victims are women, and that is true in every culture.
Men DO have a hard time being platonic. Men DO wonder if maybe they should push their luck and see if they can get lucky. I completely empathize with the reality that many people not just men suffer from touch starvation.
Realizing this and talking about it is an important 1st step. However, the article completely misses the mark in not addressing the subject of consent. The failure to realize this and address it in an article that addresses touch deprivation is completely tone deaf. It would be a lot more helpful to acknowledge that we are part of a touch starved culture, and then offer ideas on how to remedy this respectfully and consensually.
This was an idea opening article for me. I decided to research the topic after realizing it was helping me feel more connected to people and I came across this article. As a child, I remember we would kiss our aunts and uncles goodbye and I kissed my uncle on the cheek.
Times have changed but we really are doing a disservice to boys by shaming them for being affectionate. Now in my 20s, I do feel like my friends are more affectionate to each other and have been able to hug each other and even cry in front of each other when we go through hardships but it took years to break down the walls.
Get our regular newsletter sharing the latest updates, articles, films and events. How will my data be used? Why Men Need Platonic Touch. BY Mark Greene. Mental Health America. I say, start private and once you're certain, take it to the bar, beach, library, rifle range.
Very common for a guy to be all touchy feely when it's just the two of you and not just in private , but to be less so when his pals are around. If this is something that bothers you, bring it up. But I also think it's a good idea, if things are just starting, to give him some time. Yeah, it's immature if he gets squeamish around his pals, but give him a chance to warm up to the idea.
When I fish in the summer, and I first bring a bass into the boat, it goes crazy and it's nearly impossible to touch it at all. But after a few minutes, it tends to calm down, and I can pick it up, pet him, and play with it all I want. My dad told me that's because it's dead, or has lost the will to resist. But I prefer to think that it just needed some time to get used to me.
Guys can also change their desire for affection in front of the parents. And so do women. Which is totally understandable. On one level, it's totally inappropriate to be all over each other in any company, nevermind his parents, but on another level, bringing someone new into the familial sphere can be a really important and tentative event.
It's just polite to give Mom and Dad a chance to get used to the new person at the dinner table before asking them to get used to your playing with their little boy's hair. Number 3 brings up the question of appropriate public touching. Nibble, suck and tug gently on his earlobe with your lips. Tell him he smells good or how much you love kissing him. Find out which ear is more sensitive and focus on that.
A word of warning though, sticking your tongue into, or directly kissing, his ear canal might have the opposite effect. A Brand New Guide. Fingertips, especially, are extremely sensitive, not to mention perfect tools for teasing.
Yep, men have nipples too and many of them love your touch! To find out if he does, start with slow, gentle touches and gauge his response or straight out ask him if he likes it. Try different types of touching with your fingers and tongue. Circle around his nipple, flick your tongue back and forth or try a gentle bite. If you really want to up the ante, rub ice over them and blow on the wet surface. His sacrum, or lower back, and butt come to mind.
This kind of touch creates that delicious anticipation, as he craves what happens next.
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